Things aren't really well lately. Feelings were never good. There are moments where I am feeling good, where I am around with friends, working with my mind occupied, seeing things positively, and when you are around me. Everything will be ruined by just a mere simple thought, I never meant for you. It has been 1 month since we met. From the awkward first meeting, until we met everyday, it has been wonderful yet memorable for me. Those time are the time of sweet sweet moments before a couple being together, where we are doing things together, meeting each other, texting messages, talks on phone, all this were getting lesser as time goes by.
You once said that I'm your priority, either in texting or dating. You once willing to squeeze out some time even though you are busy. To be honest, I don't see it now. Yes I know, you had been busy this few weeks, with all those work and jobs, meals with clients, promise dates with friends, precious time with family, comfortable rests at home, as for me, left out time of once in a blue moon with prompt to unavailability anytime. Of course I understand you are busy, that's why when you complain that I had been snatching your time, immediately I reduce the eager to date you and time to bother you, but in return, I suppose you know better than me in this matter. Sometimes I do wonder, you said I am your priority, yet you were always occupied, without any reserved time for me. Yes, you are never entitle to do so and I have no rights to demand, yet it hurts deep down knowing it.
The hope you given to me was so huge, yet I'm still holding on to it. The different is, I felt is true during the time you said that how much I matters to you by saying you like me, but now, what I felt is, the empty clam with hard headed shell that keep lying to himself that the pearl is still there. I have no problem waiting for your answer, as you gave me so much hope, that eventually I do believe I have a chance of being with you. But your hot and your cold is just killing me from the inside. No matter how much I convinced myself not to think, deep down, somehow I know the hope is very very dim, a tiny light struggling to shine as it's going to go off.
It is impossible for me to keep being positive. I'm not a robot, but I'm a human with soft flesh, red warm blood, beating heart and vulnerable senses. I had feelings, sentimental yet sensitive feelings. People would always say I'm stupid to fall for someone easily, because at the end, I'm always the one suffering. But I won't blame anyone for that as that is who I am. But in fact, with all your actions, you really can't blame me for having such thoughts and despairs. How am I going to be a saint when the reality shows me different? Yet somehow, am I the one being take for granted? Because I am hurting, my heart hurts.
I used to like to be random, a easygoing guy with unplanned schedule. But whenever you are unhappy, tired or moody, I always do have plans, also backup plans. Plans to make you smile, to make you happy, to brighten up your day. These plan are not really hard to plan but just thoughts in my head. The thing is, making you happy is like a big project to me, as it meant a lot to me. When the day comes, the eager is indescribable, the excitement is always thrilling, as I am always looking forward for the time to come. But eventually you did not notice that, eventually when the plan broke down, me, broke down as well. And here I am, whining off alone with this space of my, because currently, I am really disappointed that you notice nothing, obviously that you don't know me well, and I just have to suck up the pain myself. Sometimes you think that I am okay, but I am just forcing myself to be positive so that I would not trouble you. Yet in the end, I still don't know what happened to you. That sucks.
Okay, enough of the negativity. I promise myself, is always okay to be sad and negative, whats important is the next thing you got to do is stand back right up. Life must goes on. Yes I am stupid and stubborn, but this die hard attitude is my key to hope. No matter how small the lights are, I will still grab onto it, and make sure it does not go off. I am lying if I said I do not want anything in return, failure is also something in return, at least I know we were never meant to be. But before hand, stay strong, stay positive, and stay hopeful.
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