Is good to be back

Well, I would not say things got worse in the past weeks. Things had been bad, but everything always goes both ways. As we once always said : "We have good news, and bad news."

The ignorance she gave me no doubt brought despair to me, knowing we could end up being back to strangers. The good things is, the few days of silent had me making a lot of thinking, constructive ones of course. Thoughts of the past and current, my and her action, our attitudes and personalities, mindsets and plannings, it all taken into account.

I found out that, yes we do share a lot of similarities in terms of personalities. But when it comes to mindsets, we both share different way of life. I wanted to live a simple life, where nothing else matters except happiness, despite whether are we in poverty or wealth. "You only live once", a famous quote use by everyone. What else would matters more than seeking to live a life that you will never regret, life of enjoyment for the better or worse, life of excitement for the joy and pain. What matters the most is make your every day meaningful while you still can, wealth can be the second tier.

Meanwhile, you would prefer a financially secure life. Before your youth ends, you would prefer to fight to be successful in your career. You would like to make sure that you could retired early from being an employee, and spending the next chapter of your life being a employer instead. I don't see any wrong in those thinking, but I just think that life is so much more than that.

Not everything will goes as smooth as what we want, and sometimes we have to accept the facts and act accordingly. But never let this to be an excuse for us to be slacking from reality and stop chasing for our own dreams. The thing is, we have to learn not to be bull-headed on the things that were never meant to be ours, and learn to move on.

As an example, I dreamed of having a simple relationship where we could just be together without worrying about anything else but happiness. Sharing the same enjoyment of life instead of being in the rat race of life. Somehow, not everything you wish for comes true. Here I am in love with this girl now who shared something different from me. Isn't it ironic.

How would I put this? Her life had been near perfect with the charming looks, strong personalities, smart attitudes, supportive families, pampering friends, financially capable and tons of admirers. As on the other hand, I am just silly looking, weird personalities, dumb attitudes, happy go lucky and simple guy who struggling day to day to make sure I would be financially carefree in the future. What I have is just tons of lovely and supportive friends who treasure me and a troublesome family who always be there for me. Maybe I am just out of your league I suppose.

But I do believe the perfectness of you is just the view and looks of outsiders, somewhere deep in you, maybe these are not the things you are seeking for. I am not you, I am not in the place to judge who you are.

Today you once remind me again how stupid I had became. To be madly in love and afraid of losing, I tried so hard to impress you, losing myself to desperate and negatives, end up pushing you away. But after the few days of brain storming, is never too late to move back my own path. Mother nature is always so beautiful with natural beings. So of courses, things that happened unexpectedly yet naturally would always be the best moments. I am back to my own self, that would prefer to spend time knowing you than trying to woo you. Let's sit back and watch what happens next. If we never meant to be, what for forcing right? Definitely, the best are yet to come, and we could still be friends, and maybe best friends! The Aquarius Duo!

Meanwhile, I would just do what I do best, be crazy and stupid, be random and energetic, that is how my charm come from I suppose.

"Don't worry be happy" I would say.

怎么了。。。

踢完足球，身体还不累，然而累的是我的心。
手机拿起，期待的是你，希望是我想多了。
想着想着，还是觉得不对劲，给你个短信问候。
然而心想，爱情怎么了？

肚子饿了，晚餐得吃，但不想在外吃，只好回家。
回到家，开始找东西吃，仍然没胃口，只能泡杯咖啡，点饼干。
奇怪，我平时爱喝的白咖啡，便得淡淡无味，饼干显得比较咸了。
然而心想，友情怎么了？

自从长大以来，我学会了乐于助人，用心对待人，以德报怨。
朋友们都说我太过好，容易被人伤害，容易被人占便宜。
个人想法，好有好报，虽然被人伤了，我仍然对得起自己的良心。
遍遍呢，上天嘛，还是那么喜欢跟我开玩笑。

人总是只会看别人的坏处吗？
人总是只会看别人的缺点吗？
还是说，我的真心，我的诚意，我的善良，我的傻，完全被自己的不完美给掩盖了。

第一次遇见你，傻傻的我吸引了你，你自然的来加我脸书。
谈了话，约了会，感情渐渐增加。
告了白，你也说你喜欢我，也给了我希望。
日子久了，然而一切都没了吗？

我自问待你不差，一心一意，只想要你开心。
我的关心，我的体贴，我的包容，我的迁就，我的爱，我觉得你应该满清楚。
但头来，你不感动，然而只会觉得内疚。
我的诚实，我的真意，换来的然而是我很假吗，甚至呢，上了危险人物头条。

对，人其实不完美，只是有比较好或坏。
我的缺点，我的借口，确实不好，然而我努力地在改。
但是不懂为什么，直觉告诉我，你已对我有偏见了，或是我让你反感了。
现在，我做什么都好，你脑里只会把我想坏，甚至会离我而去。

”慧琳啊慧琳，你是怎么了？“ 我好想这样问你。
早上你突然说我是危险人物，你叫我别问，那我也不问了。
后来你要说了，看到我不问，你然而不说了，你是不是也矛盾了。
其实，我只能说你想太多。
我不假，也不危险，只是太介意了。

昨天，我得到你的诚实，也接受了，好不容易想开了。
然而，今天，你的对待，仍然好绝情。
我真的不知道我做错了什么，你要这样对我，昨天是你说你还要我们这段友情。
但是我看来，那也化为乌有了。
原来，我们彼此之间的感情，是那么的脆弱。

此时此刻，我什么都不要了，只想要回我的朋友，要回个知己。
诚心诚意，只想当好朋友，没内意，也没恶意。
心已交出来，只看你如何看待。
如果真的连朋友也没了，我只能说谢谢你，曾经来过，也曾经离过。
祝福你，要开开心心的奋斗下去。

美好的，总会来。

人们常说：“人生有几个十年”。有人也说：“我们只活过一次”。说来说去，其实就是鼓励人们，别老是看不开，不要为了过去而悲伤。好的坏的，总得过去，为何不轰轰烈烈的大干一场，望自己的梦想追求，或是做自己喜欢做的东西。但是呢，绝望时，我们不是不想振作，而是时间还没到而已。

到头来，就是“情”这个字在作怪。无可否认，人们都是被情所困。分手了，吵架了，冷战了，失恋了，追求失败了等等，都是绝命的场合。情侣或暧昧，遇到了这些情形，至少有一方面会默默地流泪，然而绝望也会陪伴着他左右。人呢，是有血有肉的，是怕痛的。遇到了绝望，心里的痛，只能说过来人才懂。时间久了，慢慢站起来了，通常会开始累了，暂时不想谈恋爱。有时甚至说不敢再这么爱一个人，也有的完全不相信爱情。虽然天下的乌鸦都一样黑，但是呢，他们都时常忘记，人们的肤色可都不是全部一样白，只是还没遇到对的人。

舍弃的，不要执著。背叛的，不要回头。然而，珍惜的，得需多留意留意。人说：“珍惜眼前人”。这话个人觉得是说得很真实，但是人们往往都会被恶魔掩盖了眼睛。除了爱情，我们还有友情和亲情。每当在我们人生最低落时，幸运的，女朋友都在，不幸的，是不一样的女朋友，在不幸的，一个都没有。试着回想，唯一每次都在的，会是你的朋友与家人。看着你低落，有些会一路陪着你，有些会骂你，有些会哆你笑。全部都是想为你出一份力，让你振作，一心一意要你好。凡事不要一个人。心的空虚，可试着把朋友们和家人都放进去。他们可会成为你站起来的勇气，振作的意志力，与向前的能力。到找到对的人，在把他放进去。但是这次别苯了，不要再一心只放一个人，把友情与亲情放一边，否则你会后悔。虽然平等是不可能的，但是特权在你手中，如何对待他们，得自己去衡量谁才是值得你去付出的。也要记住，眼睛明了，对的人，才会出现。

自己本身可是一直都是个多情汉，为情活为情死。爱情总是让我好困扰，也让我好辛苦，但是我不曾放弃他。因为，我的喜，我的乐，也来源于爱情。他可让我低落，也可让我振作。重要的是要自己怎么想。人生的喜怒哀乐是我的乐趣，如果我只会笑不会哭，我宁可不活了。

当然我也不曾因爱情而放弃友情亲情。会嫌妈妈烦，是因为跟妈妈相处太久了，感情已经是熟到焦了。父子不说话，是因为彼此都心灵了。而朋友吗，就是整天一起嘻嘻哈哈的混蛋们啊。没了他们，我的世界不会那么精彩。

所以说，别看不开，美好的，总会来。

It all started...

Finally, I decided to have my own blog. Ironically, I'm not much a reader myself, definitely I don't read others' blogs either. So why am I here opening this blog and writing down this post here? The reasons varies. From sadness to joyful, I just want to treat this as a space to talk to myself by writing down my thoughts and feelings.

Things aren't really well lately. Feelings were never good. There are moments where I am feeling good, where I am around with friends, working with my mind occupied, seeing things positively, and when you are around me. Everything will be ruined by just a mere simple thought, I never meant for you. It has been 1 month since we met. From the awkward first meeting, until we met everyday, it has been wonderful yet memorable for me. Those time are the time of sweet sweet moments before a couple being together, where we are doing things together, meeting each other, texting messages, talks on phone, all this were getting lesser as time goes by.

You once said that I'm your priority, either in texting or dating. You once willing to squeeze out some time even though you are busy. To be honest, I don't see it now. Yes I know, you had been busy this few weeks, with all those work and jobs, meals with clients, promise dates with friends, precious time with family, comfortable rests at home, as for me, left out time of once in a blue moon with prompt to unavailability anytime. Of course I understand you are busy, that's why when you complain that I had been snatching your time, immediately I reduce the eager to date you and time to bother you, but in return, I suppose you know better than me in this matter. Sometimes I do wonder, you said I am your priority, yet you were always occupied, without any reserved time for me. Yes, you are never entitle to do so and I have no rights to demand, yet it hurts deep down knowing it.

The hope you given to me was so huge, yet I'm still holding on to it. The different is, I felt is true during the time you said that how much I matters to you by saying you like me, but now, what I felt is, the empty clam with hard headed shell that keep lying to himself that the pearl is still there. I have no problem waiting for your answer, as you gave me so much hope, that eventually I do believe I have a chance of being with you. But your hot and your cold is just killing me from the inside. No matter how much I convinced myself not to think, deep down, somehow I know the hope is very very dim, a tiny light struggling to shine as it's going to go off.

It is impossible for me to keep being positive.  I'm not a robot, but I'm a human with soft flesh, red warm blood, beating heart and vulnerable senses. I had feelings, sentimental yet sensitive feelings. People would always say I'm stupid to fall for someone easily, because at the end, I'm always the one suffering. But I won't blame anyone for that as that is who I am. But in fact, with all your actions, you really can't blame me for having such thoughts and despairs. How am I going to be a saint when the reality shows me different? Yet somehow, am I the one being take for granted? Because I am hurting, my heart hurts.

I used to like to be random, a easygoing guy with unplanned schedule. But whenever you are unhappy, tired or moody, I always do have plans, also backup plans. Plans to make you smile, to make you happy, to brighten up your day. These plan are not really hard to plan but just thoughts in my head. The thing is, making you happy is like a big project to me, as it meant a lot to me. When the day comes, the eager is indescribable, the excitement is always thrilling, as I am always looking forward for the time to come. But eventually you did not notice that, eventually when the plan broke down, me, broke down as well. And here I am, whining off alone with this space of my, because currently, I am really disappointed that you notice nothing, obviously that you don't know me well, and I just have to suck up the pain myself. Sometimes you think that I am okay, but I am just forcing myself to be positive so that I would not trouble you. Yet in the end, I still don't know what happened to you. That sucks.

Okay, enough of the negativity. I promise myself, is always okay to be sad and negative, whats important is the next thing you got to do is stand back right up. Life must goes on. Yes I am stupid and stubborn, but this die hard attitude is my key to hope. No matter how small the lights are, I will still grab onto it, and make sure it does not go off. I am lying if I said I do not want anything in return, failure is also something in return, at least I know we were never meant to be. But before hand, stay strong, stay positive, and stay hopeful.